Thursday, July 15, 2021

July 15

Suffering and Empathy

by Jim Little

After my talk Can/Should We Compare Suffering, some interesting conversations and thoughts have arisen
with others.  One such question is how does suffering impact my ability to have empathy for others?

Take for example a mom who has been putting in long hours at work, to then come home to make dinner for the family among the other tasks she has on her plate.  Over dinner she brings up the fact that work has been especially hard and she would like some help around the house with chores.  Going around the table the husband recounts his work-load and tough day, followed on by the son and his trials and tribulation with school, returning back to the mom.  In conveying her difficulty in a request for help, the conversation turned toward a comparison of difficulties as justification for not helping.

It's not hard to imagine this type of conversation in a family or work setting.  In fact, I have been a part of such a conversation where a list of difficulties was used in an appeal for help.  What I find interesting about this anecdote is to consider WHY the other family members compared their suffering instead of seeing a request for help; empathizing with mom and the extra things she has taken on.  More generally, how can our suffering/difficulties make us unavailable to be empathetic toward others?

If we see a house on fire, we rush to it in the event there is a need.  If we see a house with weeds, do we rush with the same zeal to mow them?  There seems to be something inside that informs us that a need is there, but another thing that seeks to apply some value or worth to it.  We might think, "There's nothing more important right now than getting my neighbor out of the burning house!"

  Thinking, "I'm too busy with work to deal with that burning house right now" doesn't seem to fit the situation.  This gets right to the difference between comparing suffering and recognizing need. Of course, most of the time I'm not presented with burning buildings, but more subtle situations where the suffering may not be so clear or obvious.


I think it comes back to habit.  I am wrapped up in my own life, my own issues, my own suffering.  If I'm so habitually preoccupied with my "stuff" I am not really present when those moments, deserving of empathy, arise.  But if I can break that habit, stopping my "story" long enough to consider your situation, empathy, compassion and an appropriate response, can arise.  I see zazen as my practice of pausing that story, widening that gap between the event and my impulsive reaction, to become present in recognizing your suffering, to be empathetic.

What prevents you from being empathetic?  What is your antidote?  How do you work on recognizing need in others?


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Special bows for today: 

  • Please continue to offer bows in honor of:
    • Enzo, the Sanchez/Luna family's dog who died on July 4th
    • John Witter, Kathleen Dickey's uncle who died on May 11, 2021
    • Shanti, Steven and Selora Lane's dog who died on May 2, 2021
  • Please continue to offer bows of well-being for: 
    • Dainuri Rott who has been operated on for a brain tumor
    • Les Kaye, who is finishing another round of chemotherapy
    • David Shaw, who is continuing the process of recovery from a stroke
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Wonderful links/recommendations shared by sangha members and friends:
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